My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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