What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
