oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
