I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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