Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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