Ketchup is God's man juice
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
