apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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