I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
