He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
