i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
