so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
