my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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