You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My life is pants optional.
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