i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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