I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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