i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My balls are so social today.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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