I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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