I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
