help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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