totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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