lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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