My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
