Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
