i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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