I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
