Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
