Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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