I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
