Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
