Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
