i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
