he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
