Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
