I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
