you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
