Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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