Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
