I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
