And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
