so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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