why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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