Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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