I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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