sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
