Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
