In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
