True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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