i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
