my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I will pee on everything he values.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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