I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
