just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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